An exclusive chapter from SLASHER SAM, a new comedic horror novel about a murderous movie-obsessed psycho killer with their own blog…
I’ve seen more than enough slasher movies to know that serial killers have got far more to fear from virgins, teetotallers, and crazy bald-headed psychiatrists than they do from the police.
You needn’t even read this collection of doughnut-eating imbeciles with badges to know that I’m right – you can watch just about any horror movie ever made to see that the so-called “long arm of the law” is more like the short arm of the law (you may need some aloe for that sick burn).
For the sake of my own questionable mental health, I haven’t included any obvious comic relief cops here, such as those found in Halloween 5 or The Town That Dreaded Sundown. And for the sake of your general wellbeing, don’t you dare come complaining to me about SPOILERS. You have been warned.
10. Sheriff Garris in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)
This guy has to be the most belligerently untrusting cop in slasher movie history, which is ridiculous considering he lives in a town that has seen far, far more than its fair share of massacres.
First, Pamela Vorhees killed some peeps; then her son did in the second, third, and fourth movies; and there was that copycat killer in the fifth film. So why, then, is it so hard for Sheriff Garris to believe Tommy – a survivor of two of these massacres, by the way – when he says someone is killing people again? Unbelievable.
9. The cops who hassled the wrong guy in Prom Night (1980)
Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you actually need to have a little thing called evidence to convict someone of a crime?
And yet the cops at the start of Prom Night arrest – and eventually convict – the wrong man for the murder of Laurie Strode’s baby sister (I may be getting ultimate scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis’ roles mixed up there), when they really should have questioned that evil bitch Wendy and those other brats.
Plus, they were awfully close to shooting an unarmed kid at the end of that film.
8. Lt. Judd Austin in Night School (1981)
I love me some Night School. Not because it’s a particularly brilliant slasher movie, but because it’s as bonkers as a turtle nipping at a disembodied head, beef-and-head stew for breakfast, or the crazy bug-eyed look on that one guy’s face when he dies near the end.
But arguably the craziest thing about Night School is that lieutenant Judd Austin just lets the killer walk away scot-free at the end of the movie. Maybe he’s the one who needs to go to night school, because he’s a bloody lousy detective.
7. Deputy/sheriff Dewey in Scream (1996) and its sequels
Dewey the doofus is more like a human knife block or a punching bag than an actual policeman. He was stabbed in the first movie, stabbed again in the second, bound and gagged by the killer in three, and knocked out cold by the killer in four.
Okay, so he finally gets the killer in the third film – but that’s easily the worst movie in the franchise, and he wasn’t technically an active officer of the law in that movie. About the only compliment I’ll give the first Scary Movie is they did a terrific job parodying this incompetent jackass.
6. Whoever is responsible for stowing away police weapons in Hell Night (1981)
When a crazed frat guy in a blouse bursts into your police station and starts shouting about mutants and mayhem at a haunted estate on the outskirts of town, you can probably be forgiven for thinking it’s just another stupid college prank.
But you really can’t be forgiven when the exact same guy simply waltzes (not literally) into the room out the back of the police station and steals one of your shotguns with live ammunition. Now that’s just irresponsible and unsafe.
5. The cops at the start of Pieces (1982)
Little Timmy murders his mother to death with an axe, and then cuts her into pieces with a saw. But when the police arrive, they find him hiding in the closet, covered in blood, feigning innocence.
It’s fair enough that they would presume him innocent at first, but wouldn’t the boy eventually become the prime suspect when they find his bloody fingerprints and DNA all over the murder weapon, the saw, and the corpse?
If the police ever almost catch me, I pray I’ll have time to hide in the closet so I can pretend it wasn’t me.
4. The cops at the end of Maniac (1980)
When two cops finally arrive at Frank Zito’s home/shithole at the end of the 1980 film Maniac, they find his bloody corpse lying on his bed. Instead of, I don’t know, checking his pulse to see if he’s legitimately dead and not just taking a nap, they simply leave the premises.
Moments later, Frank’s eyes open… just in time for the sequel.
So, I guess the lesson for serial killers everywhere is should the police ever turn up at your house, just play dead until they go away.
3. The entire inept police department in Black Christmas (1974)
In the pantheon of stupid police officers, few are as mentally challenged as Sergeant Nash in Black Christmas, who thinks that fellatio is a new telephone exchange. But he’s an obvious comic relief cop, so therefore he’s disqualified from this list.
The rest of his police department are fair game, however, after they sedate the final girl at the end of the movie and leave her home alone with the resident crank caller/serial killer who is still alive and well in the attic.
2. Sheriff Fraser in The Prowler (1981)
With a killer on the loose and the graduation dance looming large in the calendar – the first since a couple of kids were brutally murdered at the last one, 35 years ago – maybe it’s not the best time for sheriff Fraser to go away on a fishing trip, leaving his competent but inexperienced deputy to run things.
Also – and I really hope you were paying attention to my earlier SPOILER warning – sheriff Fraser is the masked killer in the combat uniform who really hates graduation dances but just loves killing people with pitchforks. So I guess that probably explains the peculiar timing of that fishing trip, then.
1. The maniac cop in Maniac Cop (1988)
Okay, so the top entry in this list of bad policemen is a little bit of a cop out (yes, I am indeed hilarious), but officer Matthew Cordell from the 1988 Best Picture winner Maniac Cop must surely be one of the baddest mofos to ever put on some of those dorky white gloves that traffic cops sometimes wear.
The titular maniac is big and brutal, with a chin that even Bruce Campbell couldn’t help but admire. But whatever you do, don’t go running to him for help; as useless as all the other coppers are on this list, at least they won’t snap your neck with their bare hands.
In cyberspace, EVERYONE can hear you scream!
Dismayed that the slasher movie genre is currently deader than a Crystal Lake camper on Friday the 13th, ‘Slasher Sam’ is bringing new life to the art form by ending the lives of mischievous campers, sex-crazed teenagers, unruly partygoers, and anyone else who breaks one of the fundamental rules of being in a slasher movie.
Read it before you go offline… permanently 💀