Horror Movies

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

An exclusive chapter from SLASHER SAM, a new comedic horror novel about a murderous movie-obsessed psycho killer with their own blog…

I’ve seen more than enough slasher movies to know that serial killers have got far more to fear from virgins, teetotallers, and crazy bald-headed psychiatrists than they do from the police.

You needn’t even read this collection of doughnut-eating imbeciles with badges to know that I’m right – you can watch just about any horror movie ever made to see that the so-called “long arm of the law” is more like the short arm of the law (you may need some aloe for that sick burn).

For the sake of my own questionable mental health, I haven’t included any obvious comic relief cops here, such as those found in Halloween 5 or The Town That Dreaded Sundown. And for the sake of your general wellbeing, don’t you dare come complaining to me about SPOILERS. You have been warned.

10. Sheriff Garris in Friday the 13th Part VI: Jason Lives (1986)

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

This guy has to be the most belligerently untrusting cop in slasher movie history, which is ridiculous considering he lives in a town that has seen far, far more than its fair share of massacres.

First, Pamela Vorhees killed some peeps; then her son did in the second, third, and fourth movies; and there was that copycat killer in the fifth film. So why, then, is it so hard for Sheriff Garris to believe Tommy – a survivor of two of these massacres, by the way – when he says someone is killing people again? Unbelievable.

9. The cops who hassled the wrong guy in Prom Night (1980)

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

Correct me if I’m wrong, but don’t you actually need to have a little thing called evidence to convict someone of a crime?

And yet the cops at the start of Prom Night arrest – and eventually convict – the wrong man for the murder of Laurie Strode’s baby sister (I may be getting ultimate scream queen Jamie Lee Curtis’ roles mixed up there), when they really should have questioned that evil bitch Wendy and those other brats.

Plus, they were awfully close to shooting an unarmed kid at the end of that film.

8. Lt. Judd Austin in Night School (1981)

Lt. Judd Austin in Night School (1981)

I love me some Night School. Not because it’s a particularly brilliant slasher movie, but because it’s as bonkers as a turtle nipping at a disembodied head, beef-and-head stew for breakfast, or the crazy bug-eyed look on that one guy’s face when he dies near the end.

But arguably the craziest thing about Night School is that lieutenant Judd Austin just lets the killer walk away scot-free at the end of the movie. Maybe he’s the one who needs to go to night school, because he’s a bloody lousy detective.

7. Deputy/sheriff Dewey in Scream (1996) and its sequels

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

Dewey the doofus is more like a human knife block or a punching bag than an actual policeman. He was stabbed in the first movie, stabbed again in the second, bound and gagged by the killer in three, and knocked out cold by the killer in four.

Okay, so he finally gets the killer in the third film – but that’s easily the worst movie in the franchise, and he wasn’t technically an active officer of the law in that movie. About the only compliment I’ll give the first Scary Movie is they did a terrific job parodying this incompetent jackass.

6. Whoever is responsible for stowing away police weapons in Hell Night (1981)

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

When a crazed frat guy in a blouse bursts into your police station and starts shouting about mutants and mayhem at a haunted estate on the outskirts of town, you can probably be forgiven for thinking it’s just another stupid college prank.

But you really can’t be forgiven when the exact same guy simply waltzes (not literally) into the room out the back of the police station and steals one of your shotguns with live ammunition. Now that’s just irresponsible and unsafe.

5. The cops at the start of Pieces (1982)

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

Little Timmy murders his mother to death with an axe, and then cuts her into pieces with a saw. But when the police arrive, they find him hiding in the closet, covered in blood, feigning innocence.

It’s fair enough that they would presume him innocent at first, but wouldn’t the boy eventually become the prime suspect when they find his bloody fingerprints and DNA all over the murder weapon, the saw, and the corpse?

If the police ever almost catch me, I pray I’ll have time to hide in the closet so I can pretend it wasn’t me.

4. The cops at the end of Maniac (1980)

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

When two cops finally arrive at Frank Zito’s home/shithole at the end of the 1980 film Maniac, they find his bloody corpse lying on his bed. Instead of, I don’t know, checking his pulse to see if he’s legitimately dead and not just taking a nap, they simply leave the premises.

Moments later, Frank’s eyes open… just in time for the sequel.

So, I guess the lesson for serial killers everywhere is should the police ever turn up at your house, just play dead until they go away.

3. The entire inept police department in Black Christmas (1974)

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

In the pantheon of stupid police officers, few are as mentally challenged as Sergeant Nash in Black Christmas, who thinks that fellatio is a new telephone exchange. But he’s an obvious comic relief cop, so therefore he’s disqualified from this list.

The rest of his police department are fair game, however, after they sedate the final girl at the end of the movie and leave her home alone with the resident crank caller/serial killer who is still alive and well in the attic.

2. Sheriff Fraser in The Prowler (1981)

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

With a killer on the loose and the graduation dance looming large in the calendar – the first since a couple of kids were brutally murdered at the last one, 35 years ago – maybe it’s not the best time for sheriff Fraser to go away on a fishing trip, leaving his competent but inexperienced deputy to run things.

Also – and I really hope you were paying attention to my earlier SPOILER warning – sheriff Fraser is the masked killer in the combat uniform who really hates graduation dances but just loves killing people with pitchforks. So I guess that probably explains the peculiar timing of that fishing trip, then.

1. The maniac cop in Maniac Cop (1988)

Top 10 Worst Cops in Slasher Movies

Okay, so the top entry in this list of bad policemen is a little bit of a cop out (yes, I am indeed hilarious), but officer Matthew Cordell from the 1988 Best Picture winner Maniac Cop must surely be one of the baddest mofos to ever put on some of those dorky white gloves that traffic cops sometimes wear.

The titular maniac is big and brutal, with a chin that even Bruce Campbell couldn’t help but admire. But whatever you do, don’t go running to him for help; as useless as all the other coppers are on this list, at least they won’t snap your neck with their bare hands.

In cyberspace, EVERYONE can hear you scream!

Dismayed that the slasher movie genre is currently deader than a Crystal Lake camper on Friday the 13th, ‘Slasher Sam’ is bringing new life to the art form by ending the lives of mischievous campers, sex-crazed teenagers, unruly partygoers, and anyone else who breaks one of the fundamental rules of being in a slasher movie.

Read it before you go offline… permanently 💀

Horror Movies

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Slasher Movies

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies

An exclusive chapter from SLASHER SAM, a new comedic horror novel about a murderous movie-obsessed psycho killer with their own blog…

Slasher movies and scary masks go together like Jamie Lee Curtis and Halloween movies – you can have one without the other, but they’re ALWAYS better together.

The truth is, even if you have a face that only a mother like Pamela Voorhees could love, all the best killers in horror movies need a great mask. It’s what strikes fear in the hearts of your prey – if the bloody axe that you’re carrying isn’t quite cutting the proverbial mustard.

10. Babyface, The Hills Run Red (2009)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© Warner Home Video.

How can I describe this mask? Imagine if Chucky from Child’s Play went bald and had all his teeth knocked out, and then Andy Barclay – all grown up and tired of this annoying little doll chasing him around with a knife all the time – cut his face off and wore it as a mask.

Actually, that’s not a bad idea for a new Child’s Play sequel. Somebody get my agent on the phone; I’ve got another great slasher movie idea I need to pitch them.

9. Old hag, Curtains (1983)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© Jensen Farley Pictures.

I think old women are terrifying – they’re old, they’re saggy, and they smell like they’re literally rotting away as they just go on living, driving very slowly, playing bingo, getting bad dye jobs in their hair, and so on.

So the image of a withered old hag with a sickle in the movie Curtains is more than enough to give me the willies. There’s something troubling, too, about seeing the young eyes behind the old face – as if old-age is a prison. It doesn’t matter how young and vital you feel; time is coming to get us all (if I don’t get to you first).

8. Plastic face, Alice, Sweet Alice (1976)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© Allied Artists.

Some slasher movie purists will be cursing my name right now for including Alice, Sweet Alice among a list of slasher films. To them I say, want a fight about it?

For all intents and purposes this is a slasher movie about a killer with a penchant for yellow raincoats and a creepy plastic mask that looks weirdly like a blow-up sex doll with too much eye makeup on it. Try thinking about that the next time you bury the weasel in your blow-up Briana.

She might come to life and bury something in you. A butcher’s knife.

7. Jason, Friday the 13th Part 2 (1981)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© Paramount Home Entertainment.

The burlap sack with one eyehole was a good look for Jason in Friday the 13th Part 2, but his depth perception must have been non-existent. It’s no wonder he seemed to be falling all over the place. What he really needed to do was to cut two eyeholes in it like the Phantom Killer in The Town That Dreaded Sundown.

As a bonus, this must be the easiest mask on this list to replicate, which makes it a terrific option for your next Halloween party.

6. Owl, Stage Fright (1987)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© Filmirage.

The owl mask in Stage Fright is a real hoot. (You see what I did there? I’ll bet you’re owling with laughter right now.)

Seriously though, I respect the shit out of owls. They’re badass birds of prey that swoop down on their unsuspecting victims (rats, mice, insects, fish), like wise air-born serial killers of the forest.

In real life, someone might look almost comical in the over-sized owl mask from Stage Fright. But splash some blood on it, lug around an axe or a chainsaw, and then you’ll be laughing all the way to the grave.

5. Groucho Marx, Terror Train (1980)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© Twentieth Century Fox Film Company.

I never forget a face, but in this case I’d like to make an exception.

There’s just something so sinister about the Groucho Marx mask (try saying that five times fast) in Terror Train. I think it’s a combination of seeing the anarchic comedian’s likeness being so straight-faced and serious, as well as the shifty all-seeing black eyes behind the mask.

Either way, if I ever saw Groucho Marx on a train (either his rotting corpse or someone dressed like him), I’ll definitely be getting off at the next stop. You can bet your life on it.

4. Ghostface, Scream (1996)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© Dimension Films.

The ghost-face mask from the Scream series is simple, striking, and oh so perfect. Now, if only the people who wore it spent a bit more time killing the 30-year-old teenagers of Woodsboro and a little less time flopping around on the ground like stunned mullet.

But no matter how you feel about those flicks, the mask is a cut above. Hell, it’s a work of art, having been modelled on that wanky artwork by expressionist painter Edvard Munch, who, even during his wildest hallucinations, couldn’t possibly have imagined the effect on popular culture that his masterpiece was going to have.

3. Leatherface, The Texas Chain Saw Massacre (1974)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© MPTV Images.

The biggest, ugliest member of the Sawyer clan is called Leatherface for a reason – and it’s not because he looks like Donatella Versace after a week in the Nevada dessert without any sunblock.

On the contrary, his mask made from the flesh of his victims makes even the famously ugly fashion designer look beautiful in comparison.

2. Jason, Friday the 13th Part III (1982)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© Paramount Home Entertainment.

Like night cheese and nightmares, Jason and his trademark hockey mask just go together. In fact, the goalie mask is so synonymous with Mr Vorhees that people forget he didn’t actually get the mask until roughly one hour into the third movie in the Friday the 13th film franchise.

It was always as inevitable as death that Jason’s hockey mask would feature prominently on any list of the top 10 masks in slasher movies, but why is it only at number two on the list? That’s because – drum roll please – the best slasher movie mask of all time is…

1. The Shape, Halloween (1978)

Top 10 Scariest Masks in Horror Movies
© 1978 Compass International Pictures.

Who am I kidding? You knew this was coming – and if you didn’t, then you’re obviously not the sharpest knife in the drawer to stab someone with.

A Captain Kirk mask never looked so frightening as when the makers of Halloween painted it all-white, reshaped the eyes and made a few other minor adjustments, then chucked it on a man in overalls carrying a big knife. To think, they almost went with a scary clown mask instead.

The original is still the best, of course, but even at its lowest ebb – neck flaps in Halloween 5, blonde hair during that one inexplicable scene in The Return of Michael Myers, or the CGI monstrosity in H20 – the blank, emotionless Michael Myers’ mask is the standard against which all other slasher movie masks are measured.

I will straight-up murder you if you disagree with me.

In cyberspace, EVERYONE can hear you scream!

Dismayed that the slasher movie genre is currently deader than a Crystal Lake camper on Friday the 13th, ‘Slasher Sam’ is bringing new life to the art form by ending the lives of mischievous campers, sex-crazed teenagers, unruly partygoers, and anyone else who breaks one of the fundamental rules of being in a slasher movie.

Read it before you go offline… permanently.

Books, Horror Movies

Top 5 facts about Pennywise the clown

Top 5 facts about Pennywise the clown

Top 5 facts about Pennywise the clown

With the remake of Stephen King’s It just around the corner (it’ll be in cinemas from September 8 in the US) let’s take a closer look at the movie’s villain, the iconic, malevolent, malicious, Pennywise the Dancing Clown.

5. Pennywise isn’t really an evil clown

Though we know him best as one of the most famous evil clowns in pop culture, Pennywise isn’t actually a clown at all. No, that’s just the form that the evil shapeshifting entity that haunts Derry, Maine, preying on innocent children in particular. The entity is just that, an ‘It’, a mysterious and malevolent being/entity/force of destruction from another realm or dimension.

4. It has many names…

Pennywise is just one of the names or titles that ‘It’ has inherited among many others, including Consumption, The Eater of Worlds, or Robert “Bob” Grey. In fact, we don’t even really know if ‘It’ is really even male, female, both, or neither. ‘It’ is unknowable.

3. Pennywise haunts other Stephen King works

That’s right. The sinister clown is referenced in Stephen King’s short story Gray Matter, as well as in novels Insomnia, 11/22/63, Dreamcatcher, and The Tommyknockers, in which a character travelling through Derry actually sees a clown down a storm drain.

2. Pennywise was inspired by Ronald McDonald

Naturally, most people would assume that Pennywise the evil clown would have been inspired by notorious serial killer John Wayne Gacy, who liked to dress as a clown for children’s birthday parties and community events (when he wasn’t killing a bunch of people). But Stephen King himself has gone on the record saying that Ronald McDonald, famous TV clown Bozo, and Clarabell from Howdy Doody were his main inspirations.

1. Pennywise is really freakin’ scary!

Okay, you didn’t need me to tell you that. Everyone knows Pennywise is a scary clown, especially as played by Tim Curry in the 1990 miniseries. He was so scary in that, that IGN ranked Pennywise as eighth on the list of top 25 horror movie villains, sufferers of coulrophobia (a phobia of clowns) often cite Pennywise as their worst nightmare, and has been linked numerous times with creepy clown hauntings all over the world (probably just jackasses dressing up in clown costumes, right? Please tell me Pennywise isn’t real!).

Horror Movies

How great is the IT teaser trailer?

As much as I’m a fan of Stephen King, I was just never that into IT. I far prefer The Shining, The StandPet Sematary, or even  Needful Things. And even the beloved TV mini series from the 1990s is also a bit naff, with not much to redeem it besides an electric Tim Curry as Pennywise.

But this IT teaser trailer looks the goods. I’ll even admit that I shuddered a tiny bit when little Georgie says: “you’ll float too, you’ll float too, you’ll float too”.

Kids freak me out.

-Si